HOT, HOT, BABY

In our modern world of convenient impatience, you're telling me there is not yet an adequate appliance for freezing things quickly!?

The beautiful, awesome power of the microwave oven made American life that much better around the mid-century. Radiation-charged shrunken heads and the switch from TV dinners to microwaved Ramen in front of the computer mark its amazing life. It is astonishing. After all that, we can progress to a point in human evolution that we no longer have to spend long, rough hours over the fires of the Earth just for some sustenance and survival. We can just press buttons and consume.

Now, I want you to think about the opposite end of the spectrum. Is it completely unreasonable for me to demand speed when freezing things?

Freezing things is cool and I have the evidence to back up that pun:

Exhibit A: Arnold Schwarzenegger in Batman Forever. Batman may be Forever, but ice is pretty damn uncomfortable for attackers after a few minutes.

Exhibit B: Sam Jackson as Frozone in Disney's The Incredibles. Suck it, public transportation, I got my own way around New York City traffic.

Exhibit C: You can make icepops in your own damn freezer with whatever liquid you want! I use Smirnoff Ice.

Which brings me back to my question of why can't we freeze with ease? And now, I think I have the answer. It scares me to say it because I think I have stumbled on the biggest conspiracy of the new millennium. The very core of this thought could very well have me killed by sundown tonight, and here it is:

The iced coffee industry wants you to impatiently heat everything!

Forget freezing forever! They want you to burn everything and buy their cold, cold coffee! If we stay used to scalding hot coffee all year round, the iced coffee machine wins!

I took Microeconomics in high school and it's finally starting to sink in. Iced coffee is so damn pricey because there is a demand. Idiots, like myself, will buy something cold for a buck more when they could get it hot and wait up to three or four hours. Even then, coffee doesn't turn iced, it just turns lukewarm. So, we buy the ice. THE ICE! WE BUY ICE, just cause we're scared of what the iced coffee industry will do!

It is time to stand up, people! We need to develop the technology to say "NO MORE" to hotter-than-Katy Perry coffee. Stop paying outrageous prices for some liquids that taste delicious together; that's what rum and coke is for! Coffee beans are born equal and they should have the same opportunity to get to my lips as Katy Perry does. Yes, two Katy Perry references in one post. I'm wild with rebellion! BRING IT ON!